To the Alcoholic and the One Who Loves Them

Like many of us, my internal struggles inspired my initial interest in mental health. There is something mysterious about a mind that belongs to you but won't listen. Now that I've finished my psychology degree, I feel I have some authority when I say I was very misled by what I thought I knew about human behavior and by what I imagined was important.
I am immensely grateful for my education and my ability to understand myself on a psychological level. But my degree and the personal experience I have gained in the last four years has allowed me to recognize how different it is to struggle and to support someone struggling. There is a comfort in personal accountability that simply disappears when we leave the realm of introspection.
What I mean is this: confronting an issue within yourself is a very different battle than confronting one within someone you love. Much of my early experience with mental illness and addiction belonged to the lives of my friends, friends who were still minors. As a child, I never imagined an adult needing that kind of help and being unable to offer it to themselves. As you can imagine, I couldn't have been more wrong.
Over the past few months, I've written about topics that have forced me to sit with this dilemma, one that is largely under addressed in academia. Eating disorders, addiction, and now alcoholism all circle the same painful question in our social lives: What do you do when someone you love is struggling, but doesn't want help?
As alcoholism is a deeply complicated, stigmatized, and personal issue, I have been lucky to gather some responses from people in our Burn Away Your Burden’s community who have struggled with alcoholism themselves.
Robert Scott has been sober for seventeen and a half years. I felt his honest responses should be read in totality, without my commentary.

How did you feel off of alcohol vs on it?
“When I was drinking, I felt like I was fun. Like I could be myself. I told jokes, made friends, played games and such. Because I am a loner at heart, I felt the booze could make me feel social. The initial feelings of being off of alcohol were insecurity, fear, and vulnerability. Alcohol was my crutch to cope with everything. Every pain, every ill feeling, every happy feeling. Leaving it behind felt like being nude in a crowd of strangers.”
What approach, if any, could have been safe and eye-opening for you?
“There was no approach that could change my habits. Every person who approached me about my drinking or punished me for it was immediately removed from my consciousness. I wanted nothing to do with critics of my habits.”

When does it become a problem, when did you notice it become a problem?
“I only noticed it was a problem after I was arrested for a third DUI. It was in a drunk tank when all I wanted to do was die. My family was disappointed in me, no woman wanted to be with me, and I had no direction in my life. It was in that room that I made the decision to call my Employee Assistance Provider and go to a rehab out of state. That was 17 and one half years ago, at this writing. Every day I must remind myself that I am no good to myself or anyone else should I succumb to my addiction.”

Our second respondent, who asked to remain anonymous, put it simply: off alcohol, they felt miserable and depressed; on it, they didn't care much. The problem, they said, announced itself when drinking became a priority over everything else, when it interfered with normal everyday life. When asked “what approach could have been safe for you,” they said almost anything else, such as working out or finding a new hobby. As for eye opening, “it usually takes hitting rock bottom for that to happen when you’re spiraling like that.” 
I want to take a moment to sincerely thank both Robert and our anonymous respondent for their openness and courage. Sharing something this personal is not easy, and their willingness to do so so that others might feel less alone is a generosity I don't take lightly. These are not easy stories to tell, and I hope they are received with the respect they deserve.

I hope that these may offer many of you a better understanding on what it can feel like to be dependent on alcohol. Currently, the leading treatment in alcoholism revolves around speaking to others who can relate—primarily AA, and other forms of group therapy. As alcohol is so often connected to our social lives, it can be very helpful during the transition to create a new community. As for those with loved ones, Al-Anon is an incredible resource. Like AA, it is a form of group therapy, open to anyone with a desire to recover from the adverse effects of living with or having a relationship with an individual addicted to alcohol.
Beyond AA and Al-Anon, there are several other resources available to those struggling with alcoholism.
The SAMHSA National Helpline (1-800-662-4357) is a free, confidential, 24/7 treatment referral service for individuals and families facing substance use disorders.

SMART Recovery is a science-based alternative to AA that focuses on self-empowerment and cognitive tools rather than a spiritual framework. It is a meaningful option for those who find the AA model isn't the right fit.
For those who prefer one-on-one support, many therapists specialize in addiction, and Psychology Today's therapist finder (psychologytoday.com) allows you to filter by specialty, location, and insurance.
Medication-assisted treatment, such as naltrexone, is also an increasingly recognized and effective option, and may be something worth discussing with a physician or psychiatrist.

Finally, to anyone reading this who loves someone in the grip of alcoholism, it is important to remember that you cannot want their recovery more than they do. You cannot argue or love someone into sobriety before they are ready, and accepting that truth is, what I have come to learn, one of the hardest parts about mental health. If you have a loved one who is struggling with alcoholism, addiction, an eating disorder, or any other form of mental illness, the most helpful thing you can do is show up for them and remind them you are there. You are also more than entitled to hold a boundary and their hand at the same time. It may be important for you to take care of your own mental health so that you have something left to give.

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) often closes with what they call their Serenity Prayer, and I feel it is fitting to do the same. So, to those who are struggling, those who may not be sure, and those affected--
          God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
          Courage to change the things I can,
          And wisdom to know the difference.
 
 
 
                                                                                                                  -Kate Albert